She was an Angel craving Chaos...
He was a Demon seeking peace...
They met at work by odd chance
And decided to jump in the abyss

But the story does not end there
There is so much more to be said
He is still mending broken pieces
She's still hoping for a happy end

Outside forces want to break them
Day after day more evil finds its way
I've had enough, can't fight any more
Heads scream at the end of the day

She was an Angel craving chaos...
He was a Demon seeking peace...
Sometimes you lose your balance
But find your Heart in Love's abyss

Blue Eyes

There is something in your eyes
I get lost in the oceans of blue
My heart completely melts inside
They take my soul hostage like glue

They sparkle when you look at me
Brighten my deepest darkest times
All dissipates, you is what I can see
The future of us together chimes

Our lives intertwine connected
My dreams in them are reflected

Mirrors

Looking up I see You

 My soul grins and smiles

My heart skips a beat

Then races for miles.

Looking down I see kittens

Without worry and free

They make me think

How nice it is to just be.

I look to the side and see him

Broken, hurt and alone

Makes me wish I could change

Things from the past with a wand.

There in my face I see her

So much pain and hurt

She brings to all involved

I’m angry, tired and burnt.

Looking outside I see injustice

Fairness is not for all

Much suffering everywhere

I wish I could curl up in a ball.

Everywhere I look I see me

Happy, sad, angry, loved

Reflections are in the mirrors

They bring my shadows out.

Many lessons to learn

For sure many more will come

All I need is some Balance

Humility, Wisdom and Love.

Best Friend Love

... As an untamed lock of her red hair brushed across her face she unconsciously bit her lip. Shadows of a burning candle flame danced on her fair skin, but her emerald green eyes stayed focused on a paper in front of her. Gentle breeze swayed the ceiling-to-floor white silky curtains and played with that lock of her hair, but she kept writing in her journal oblivious to the outside circumstances. Her soul was on fire. She just had to release all the pain, all the wants, and all the hopes from within...

"I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to tell you how much you mean to me. Every fiber of my body wants to tell you everything. My heart yearns for the truth to be told, but there is always price to be paid... I might lose my best friend! I'm not sure I'm ready to take that chance... Not yet anyway."

And with the last entry of "I will always love you"; one lone tear escaped her eye and fell into the abyss of her soul's story, making a faint mark on the last page of her journal. Slow deep breathe left her crimson lips as she put the pen down on the desk turning her eyes to the moonlight in the starry night...

Feelings

You ask me to sort my feelings
And file them into proper space
You say name them all...
And accept them with grace

All these wonderful things
Known and Unknown
Are running through my head
But one such thought makes a case
Upon you I must bestow
I know I've loved you before
What I admit is just an opinion
But you need to hear of my need
And hunger for our sacred union
I don't know what future holds
It escapes me all together
But I'm ready for a new day
And wisdom of Free Spirit forever

 

Rain

Sound of rain drops drumming on the roof

Takes me to another time and place

Beauty of fallen leaves on the ground

Makes my heart envelop with grace

 

There is something else that happens too

Every time it rains like this

My heart aches to see that look

And feel that hug in this abyss

 

Lovely raindrops bring memories back

Of that smile, and those eyes and simple kiss

The moment when time stood still forever and a day

And feelings it brought I still miss.

 

Yes, I love rainy days

And cleansing they bring to all of this

Yet my soul yearns for same delight

And that same state of eternal bliss

by Sanela Kubiak

Unbreakable Spirit

I need some input on this please... This is just a small part of the story I wrote. It's not edited and I am sure in the final project there will be shuffling around of the parts BUT it's something I worked on in the past and I would really appreciate some comments or critique. Is this worth pursuing? Would you want to read it?

Unbreakable Spirit

 

Another day has passed and her patience grew less and less bearable. It was more of a constant reminder of what she was living for and couldn’t have. All the changes, all the work that went into helping others was at a stand-still now. Her whole life has turned upside down, too many things were up in the air… She was losing her house, her own company was not doing so well, her savings were depleting like there was a huge hole in the middle of it, just draining it out. She was lost. There was no focus, no will, not even the slightest desire to keep going. Everything she worked so hard for was slipping through her fingers and she saw no end to it.

She came home after 16 hours in her office wondering what did she do so wrong to deserve this. Board was after her for explanation how could she let things get so bad. Her own blood relative stole incredible amount of money from the company and fled country. Nobody knew where to even look for him. There was no trace of any kind. IRS was after her for past due taxes. Seven years of past due taxes. The seven years her cousin worked for her and forged the books so no one knew. Nobody suspected anything until three months ago when he disappeared from the face of earth. And everything changed then.

“I just have to stop thinking about all this, just for a moment”, she thought while poring herself a glass of red wine. “I have to find a way to relax, to unwind, or I’m going to go insane”

Annoying green light was flashing on her answering machine, but she walked right passed it. She drew herself a bath with Lavender Epson Salt while lighting candles all over her nice bathroom thinking that maybe this would help take away the stress of her day. In reality it was lot longer than a day. She’s been putting countless hours in her office trying to find the ways to save the company, her employees, her name…

Unbuttoning her white silk blouse and throwing it on the floor, she slipped her three inch heals off her tired feet, unzipping black cotton skirt that hugged her curves, she slipped off her red silk lingerie looking at the mirror at this exhausted girl starring back at her. She couldn’t even recognize herself anymore. The bright light that used to surround her was gone, sparkle in her eyes was just a little dim twinkle. Her once beautiful red hair was put up in a simple bun. She looked old. And sad.

Turning away from the full length mirror she walked to the bath tub with a sigh lingering on her lips. Slowly sliding in the hot water, her skin went into shock. Pleasant shock. It’s been months that she even thought of indulging in the sweetness of relaxing time. It was all foreign these days. There was just no time for that. With that thought still in her head she let her body sink in. Every cell of her overworked body savored every little drop of hot heaven. Little whisper escaped her red colored lips. It felt so good. She took another sip of her red wine glancing at the clock on the wall. It’s 11:11. Where did the day go? She closed her eyes just for a second trying to think of the happy times. Her best friends face came into her mind. For a moment she felt happy. The sound on her clock chimed in at midnight and startled her. Falling asleep was so easy for her these days. It was more like passing out she thought to herself. Water was cool now and she was wide awake, so she decided to submerge herself under, to quiet her mind perhaps. With her nose still above water she focused on her breathing that was shallow now, and all she could hear was her heart beating. For a small amount of time right there and then she was back in time, floating in the Mirjam Lake, back in her country. She was a little girl with no worries in the world. Slowly her conscience kicked in again and she was back in her house, in that bath tub… “I suppose I should get out now and try to go to sleep. In few short hours I have to face the press conference and another long day in the office”.

She wrapped her body in the bathrobe, her favorite one. Same bathrobe Shane bought for her when they were in Florence on a vacation. Her heart smiled thinking of the times and little trips two of them took in the past. Best Friends Forever they swore to each other.

“They were only 16 when he took her hand in his and crossed his heart and said: “You will always be in my heart, there is no one that will ever be able to replace you”! She laughed, she felt the same way, she’s known him since they were seven. He took a small knife and cut his hand a little and then did the same to her and said: “Swear, swear to your life, you will always be there for me, nothing will ever break us apart!” She heard herself say: “I swear, BFF’s for always”. They both laughed out loud and laid down on the beach talking about dreams, wishes, lovely girl he was so hot for and that mysterious boy in her French class she really wanted to get to know better. Little did we know what was ahead for us in a short year that was coming… “

 

~ It's torture knowing that I can't be with you. I never thought it could be this hard to tell someone how I feel. It's not that I'm scared to say it, it's that I'm scared to scare you away. Maybe, just maybe, I have to sacrifice love to save our friendship...

Putting the pen down, she glanced at the picture on her nightstand and just like every time she saw his smiling face, her heart skipped a beat, she smiled with her sad eyes when the ring from her phone blasted out in the silence of her house. She looked at the clock showing 2:30am, who in the world would be calling me now she thought. Her cellphone flashed unknown number as she reached for it. “Hello” she spoke into it hearing some unidentified noise in the background.

“Miss Kim?” she heard come through. “Yes, this is she”, she answered.

“This is nurse Shmidt, calling you from USCS emergency department, I have someone here who is asking for you, his name is Shane, he was in a very bad car crash and we’re not sure if he is going to make it. I would advise you to come as soon as possible please. He will not give us permission to operate on him and every second counts. Please hurry”.

Her whole being went numb. NO, her brain screamed, she was cold, frozen in time. “How could this be? This can’t be happening…” She came back to and whispered in her phone: “I’ll be right there”.

Gust of adrenalin rushed through her and this girl has gotten all the energy in the world to get there, to be there for him, to save him. She had to save him. There was no other way. She pulled her jeans and purple t-shirt on, pulled her wet hair up, grabbing keys off the table next to the door, she ran out to her car. Her eyes were stinging from the tears falling down, but she knew deep inside she had to be strong, brave for him. Driving to the hospital was a big blur, she couldn’t remember exactly which path she took, but she found herself in front of the red emergency sign shining bright in front of her eyes. She glanced in the rearview mirror in her car and saw her eyes still red from crying, strands of her hair fell out of the lose bun, taking a deep breath she thought, “this will have to do”.

Running through the hallway to the nurse’s desk, she thought hard of what she would say to him when she sees him, but nothing seemed appropriate or even slightly like a good thing to say. Nurse send her to room 407 in the ICU. The elevator seemed to be way too slow, so she ran upstairs. Trying to catch her breath at the top of the stairs she opened the door and walked into the lobby. Scanning the signs on the pale green walls she followed the one displaying 400-413. The curtain was pulled down in his room and she could already hear the beeping instruments. As she collected her thoughts and strength nurse approached her and grabbed her arm gently. “Miss Kim?” Yes she nodded slowly without any sound. “I’m Sandy. Sandy Shmidt. I’m the one who called you”. Nurse Shmidt looked tired, but even under all that tiredness and pale blue eyes she had the kind soul. She didn’t look any older than maybe 45, her dark brown hair was up in pony-tail and she wore light blue scrubs.

“I need to warn you about something, she whispered. He is hooked up to many machines sustaining his life right now and it might look scary to you. His face is scarred and bruised, swollen too” her voice disappeared in the noise of the beeping machines coming out of Shane’s and surrounding rooms. “He keeps coming in and out of consciousness, I can’t guaranty he will even recognize you, there are lot of pain medications in him as of now.

“Can I please go in now?”, Leila whispered.

Nurse Shmidt nodded gently with a weak smile on her full lips.

Leila pulled the curtain open and slid quietly into Shane’s room, but she was not prepared to see him so broken and his body lying there so lifeless. Walking around big monitor she stumbled over some cords and wires to get to his side. Quietly she sat on the edge of his bed, bending down and giving him a kiss on a cheek she grabbed his bruised hand into hers.

“Cherry Blossoms”, very faint whisper escaped his lips.

She looked at his swollen face and smiled trying very hard not to let her eyes let down the tears and pain she was feeling at the moment. “Hey handsome”, she whispered, her voice cracking. “Listen, I’m here, everything will be ok, you have to be strong for your surgery, I will be here when you come back”, she forced a smile on her tired face, moving his hair off of his forehead.

“Promise me, you will take care of Maggie if I don’t make it”, he said with pain washing all over his face.

“Of course, that’s not even questionable”, she answered.

“Go to my house, there is a letter in my safe addressed to you… you’ll find everything needed in it…”, he said with a sigh drifting off into coma again.

Feeling numb, she bend down and kissed his bloody lips gently with tears framing her face and falling down like a river. All she could think was that he had to make it. She wouldn’t go on without him, she couldn’t… She needed his strength to live, to be happy, to love him, to be alive…

Tiny, almost inaudible whisper left his lips saying: …Love You Nells…. Her chest got heavy with pain and weighted like a hundreds of bricks were placed there. All of a sudden a high pitch steady noise came out of his monitor and she froze. She knew what that sound was, but at the same time she could not comprehend what it meant. About half a dozen of nurses and doctors rushed in Shane’s room, one of them pushing her out in the hallway… She stood frozen in front of his room listening to the yelling and different sounds of machines and clicking of all the instruments rubbing against each other. Everything became hazed in her mind, in front of her eyes, and she felt her body sliding down onto the floor. She kneeled down, and while everything started looking dark and black she prayed. She prayed to the Lord and Lady. She begged them to save Shane. If anyone deserved to be given second chance in life it was him. Lost in her thoughts, with swollen red eyes and a huge hole in her heart, she got startled back with nurse yelling in her face. She looked up at the blurry face and tried to focus… “We were able to bring him back, but he is very weak, we need permission to operate stat…. He is losing large quantity of blood, definitely will need more, his heart is failing… “Save him, take him and operate, do what needs to be done, please… bring him back to me” Leila raised her voice to the nurse. Blonde haired nurse just slightly nodded her head and ran back into Shane’s room. After some commotion in the room, Leila heard squeaking wheels of his bed coming out of his room. She jumped up off of the floor and said: “Please stop, just for a second”. Bending down once more she kissed his bloody lacerated, swollen lips and whispered in his ear: “I love you Shane, please come back to me”. She saw his lucky necklace, shimmer in the hallway light, turning around to nurse Shmidt she said: “That is his lucky necklace, don’t remove it… please! Nurse just nodded gently with a small smile framing her face. My blood, take my blood she said in shock, we have same blood… B+… In the next few seconds they were gone behind huge gray doors with a sign reading Personnel Only….

What is Love

What is Love?

A question many ask through their lives

Over and over, and then some more

Some say you can’t explain it

You really just know…

What is Love?

Is it that feeling I get inside

Every time you look at me

Or every time you say something,

Past that has been…

What is Love?

Is it the crooked smile

That melts my soul

And takes me back in time

Or every little touch you send my way

That opens the door to past

To what once has been mine

What is Love?

Is it the light I see

Every time you’re near

Our daily little chats,

Or pain without last goodbye

Of the day…

What is Love?

Is it this eager feeling I get

When I know I will see you

And for the moment everything will be alright.

Or is it the bliss I feel when I surround myself

With the true essence of your being

What is Love?

Is it the stab I feel deep inside my chest

Every time you mention her name

Or when you openly express your love to her

While my soul feels defeated

And tears don’t stop falling

Hours and hours in the end

What is Love?

Is it what I’ve been looking for my whole life

Searching for what lingered in my soul

The memory of the time lost long ago

That one sacred love that got stolen

Abruptly taken away from us

Or the reality we both landed in

What is Love?

Is it happiness I feel when you’re around

Connection we share through sands of time

Having these real feelings…

Or knowing that you’re not mine.

But loving you just the same

With no expectations and getting nothing in return…

Giving you everything I got

Secretly loving you till the end of time

But not being able to tell you

It’s not my place to be

Except…

Waiting and hoping…

For you

To make things right…

Just being here for you

If you ever will need me…

Maybe, just maybe,

This is LOVE!!!

copyright 2013 by Sanela Kubiak. All rights reserved.

Journey

 As long as the grass shall grow

 And the rivers flow

 My candles will burn bright

 And lead me to Love and Light

 My Lord and Lady hear my plea

 Let your love shine in me

 The promise of New Year is here

 With new beginnings, love

 And no more Fear

 Guide me through the night

 With the Moon in the sky

 And the Stars by my side

 Let my inner Goddess show

 All there is to Know

 Let me always speak my Truth

 From within my heart and soul

 Let this Journey be the best

 For everyone involved

 

By Sanela Junsan Kubiak

January 1, 2013

Do You...

Have you ever lie awake and wonder

Why does it feel so much like

You’ve always known me

And so little like we’ve just met.
 

Do you ever close your eyes

And daydream about me

See us doing things together

Knowing not where it all comes from

 

Do you ever wake up loving me

But being confused how

Thinking it’s not possible

Yet knowing it’s true

Do you ever want to talk

About the pain you feel inside

But thinking you’re going insane

Because the urge does not subside

 

Do you love me

And not knowing why

Do you feel connected

And all that matters is now

I DO…

copyright 2013 by Sanela Kubiak. All rights reserved.

Truth...

Quiet drumming of the rain
Against the glass of my window
Wakes me up from uneasy sleep
With soft thunder that follow

I feel the moisture in the air
Surround me in my bed
My eyes open wide in dark
After a whisper next to my head

Slowly I turn toward the noise
Trying to capture the moment
Beautiful eyes meet my stare
Under the moonlight's net

I love you my beautiful
Escapes your sweet lips
While you get closer and
Your hand finds my hips

Your touch makes my body quiver
As I cuddle into your embrace
I love you too my baby
Soft whisper reaches your face

Than terribly loud, scary noise
Wakes me from my night slumber
Slowly I open my sleepy eyes
And turn to my side with next thunder.

Cruel reality sets in
My mind tries to understand
Why do you still hunt me
While I lay next to another man

The time has come once again
To pack my bags and leave
He deserves a woman who loves him
And not the one who doesn't believe

Today is another rainy day
Just like one when I fell in love
But this one has a new promise
For all the things that may come

There are no accidents in life
Wise people always say
I know I will love you till the end of time
But I am ready for a brand new day

copyright 2013 by Sanela Kubiak. All rights reserved.

If I could tell you...

If I could just tell you
All that I feel
I would say I loved you
From far away to near
If I could just tell you
I would say many things
Things I want you to hear
How every time I close my eyes
I see your hazel eyes smiling at me
And I would whisper in your ear
You Just Make Me FEEL
If I could just tell you
The touch of your hands
Made my body shiver
The kiss of your sweet lips
Made my soul quiver
If I could just tell you
Everything my heart does feel
I would wish for you to see
All the things I could see
The beautiful sparkle in your eyes
Every time I was near
I wish I could say to you
The loneliness in my heart
Is too much to fear
I can't lose you again
Now that you're somewhat here
But I can't tell you
All to me you meant
So this just happens to be
Another letter never sent...

copyright 2013 by Sanela Kubiak. All rights reserved.

LOVE YOU

I’m going to love you baby

Like you’ve never been loved before

I’m going to kiss your sweet lips

As you open your front door

I’m gonna rip off your shirt and love you on the floor

I’m gonna love you sweet darling

Like I’ve never loved you before

I’m gonna take you places you’ve never been

Babe, we’ll fly so high together

In our hearts LOVE will win

I’m gonna show you true love, your soul will soar

We’re gonna love each other baby

Like we’ve never loved before.

copyright 2012 by Sanela Kubiak. All rights reserved.

Timeless Love

I love you more than anyone else ever could.

I love you in a different way than anyone else would,

But you make me sad when you look at me with those eyes

And I remember that you're not mine...

 

Then I think of what it could be

The love in my eyes if only you could see

The true feelings beneath this mask

Oh, if only you could feel…

 

I’ve loved you through the sands of time

Across the planet’s planes

Missing something deep in my heart

With your blood running through my veins

 

So, I sit here looking at you smile

Wondering if you will ever truly know

What you feel inside is real

Then my heart gives me a strong message

When time is right you WILL feel…

copyright 2012 by Sanela Kubiak. All rights reserved.

Morning Dream

This dream is haunting me... in a good way... Enjoy this little piece of my heaven. :)

I opened my eyes to the curtains dancing on a gentle summer's breeze. The aroma of ocean's salty mist tickled my nose, and I stretched, like a cat after a long nap, making ruffles in white silky sheets, looking around absorbing the beauty of my room. Daisies, beautiful flowers, he himself cut for me the previous day, were on the desk next to the window with some magazines spread around. The room was simple, yet beautiful with the serene feeling all around. I heard familiar music playing in the kitchen and the sweet scent of fresh cut fruit and French toast with freshly brewed coffee made me feel hunger. I got up and wrapped my body in a silky smooth sheet I was covered with and walked to the kitchen slowly. I caught the glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought to myself how happy I looked, with my morning messy hair and a white shiny glow around me. I realized how beautiful I felt at the moment and I knew deep inside there was no other place I would rather be... I peeked my head through the opening of the kitchen and there he was in all his glory, wearing only his pajama pants, I could see the outline of all the magnificence of his body in the sun light.  Sun rays were playing on his smooth muscles of his chest creating beautiful shadows where my fingers teased and caressed his skin the night before. His arms were flexing while cutting sweet juicy watermelon in tiny bite size cubes. His angel voice singing my favorite song melted my heart, his lion-like pouncing on the floor to the beat of the music made me want him that much more… He looked up, his striking chocolate brown, almond shaped eyes revealed pure love. He’s smile brightened the room, his husky voice sent chills through my body as he said: “Good morning beautiful, hope I didn’t wake you up”.  I smiled and nodded as to say no. With the grace of a wild cat he walked toward me, grabbed my arms and started kissing me, holding me, stroking my back and my arms. The time stopped, there was nothing else, just him and I, in that kitchen, surrounded by splendor and passion….

copyright 2012 by Sanela Kubiak. All rights reserved.

The sweet fragrance of Cinnamon

I wrote this on the DC website as the challenge was to recreate a smell or taste that takes you back.... I didn't really think it was any good, but people there liked it; so here it is. :)

            Oh, yes, the smell of cinnamon.  Every time I smell cinnamon I go back in time to when I was a little girl.  I remember our little kitchen/pantry like I am standing in it at this very moment.  Many days when I was growing up, I would wake up to the sweet spicy aroma and I would know exactly what was happening in the kitchen.  I would jump out of my bed and run in the kitchen to greet my mom.  And, as always she would be standing in the kitchen busy cooking.  First I would stand right in the doorway and just take in the scent of the cinnamon mixed with sugar.  I would look around throughout our little kitchen.  Right of me was our little table that had four mismatched chairs.  On the table, right in the middle was always this little yellow plastic napkin holder.  Right next to the table was our old fridge with scratches going down on both sides of it. The top of the fridge was full of pots and pans stacked neatly.  The wall on the far right accommodated the sink and cabinets.  I remember them being this reddish brown color with bright white handles.  And of course in front of me was this little window looking out in our yard and our shed that held the tools for our little garden.  At the end of the little tour of our little kitchen to the left of me was just enough room for the old wood and coal stove.  By this time my mom would notice me standing in the door and she would say: “Why don’t you close the door and stay awhile?” She would smile at me and point to the table for me to sit.  After I would sit at the table my mom would bring homemade crepes stuffed with cinnamon and sugar.  The second round would be the ones stuffed with euro cream.  It is one of the sweet memories I have from my childhood and I have learned to make those for my own kids.  I guess it is kind of a little family tradition when it comes to the sweet crepes. 

The New "Old Bridge"

Old Bridge or, if you say it in the native language, Stari Most, was one of the oldest structures in my country. The construction began in 1557 and lasted nine years. It is said to have been completed in the period of 1566/67. The greatest architectural work of its time connects two parts of the old town of Mostar, the city that was named after it. Upon its completion it was the widest man made arch in the world, standing about forty feet tall at its highest point. This timeless, beautiful architecture made of stone stood there for 427 years, crossing the most stunning river you will ever see, Neretva. Allowing only pedestrians over, this bridge stood there in all its glory until it was destroyed in November of 1993 during the ethnic cleansing war in Bosnia and Herzegovina. The story I am going to tell you is about a little girl nicknamed Zela who grew up there, and what this magnificent bridge and this stunning city meant and still mean to her.

This was my favorite place to be. I remember, on many occasions, telling everyone I was going to move there as soon as I finish school, regardless of anyone’s objections. I was very proud to be hercegovka (a girl from Herzegovina) and the plan was to spend the rest of my life there…

The majority of my childhood memories are connected to this mystical place. No matter where I was, I could always smell the dry air, feel the heat on my skin, and see this striking bridge and old town in my head. My life there was filled with fun and amazing memories, among them my first broken heart. Most days I spent with my cousin Amina, who happened to be only five months younger than me. We did everything together, from sharing the same bed, eating all meals together, watching our little cousins, and of course getting in trouble together.

Summer days were spent down by the river. All the neighborhood kids knew to meet down there each day. The path going down to the river is very steep and on the edge of a cliff. The cliff is about fifty or sixty feet above water, so we had to be real careful walking down. We had to remain alert not to fall. No one ever did, but there was always that fear that we could. Going down the path, I could smell ripened figs and of course I looked around and picked some to eat on the way. Wild flowers were all around, sometimes reaching two to three feet tall. As I got closer to the bottom, I could see the paved platform through the trees and could definitely hear my friends talking. As we emerged from behind this huge rock that was blocking the view I could see everyone was already there, swimming, and enjoying the day.

Zlatko, a sixteen-year-old, dark haired boy, whom I had known for most of my life, came with his arms wide open to give me hug. As he called my name, everyone else turned around to greet me. This was the first time this summer that I saw them, so it was very special. Of course they all came to Indira and me to see us, chat, and just enjoy the company.

Then I saw this new kid sitting on a boulder. He was so handsome; he had brown spiky hair, nice luscious lips and brown eyes that were tentatively looking at me. My face got hot, I got a bit light headed and sweaty… I knew I was blushing big time. I turned around to walk back to the paved opening when Sasa greeted me and took one look at me; he slightly turned to look behind me, and with a smile on his face said:

“I see you met Elvis.”

I looked down sheepishly and said quietly, “I did not meet him, I just saw him. Who is he anyway?”

“He is a new kid in the neighborhood. He actually lives across the street from you, you can see his window from yours, over Nada’s little house.”

“Oh”, is all I could say.

We went on visiting, chatting and laughing. After we all moved to the other side of our little hand- made pond where it was still sunny, I found out the cute boy was Elvis C. He was seventeen, an only child and also joined kayaking with the rest of the clan. I kept looking over to where he was sitting and every time I did I would catch him looking at me. Most of my friends saw this too and eventually they decided they should just bring him to meet me. Even though I did not agree with their decision, deep inside I was glad. He came over smiling, shook my hand and introduced himself. I remember very clearly my heart skipping few beats at the warm touch of his hand. I didn’t know this at the time, but this summer was going to be the best and the worst time of my young teenage years.

The next day my uncle took me fishing. We got everything ready and walked down to join his friends. After we set everything up I got my fishing pole, put bait on, and cast my rod. To my surprise it went over the big boulder that was to the left of me and got stuck on something. I tugged at it, and as I was trying to figure out what to do, a red kayak showed up. I looked up ready to complain, just to realize it was Elvis, and the hook from my fishing pole was stuck on his kayak. First, I was embarrassed, but shortly after everyone saw what happened, we all started laughing. My uncle helped me “unhook” Elvis so he could go on with his training, but not before he secretly winked at me and made my heart skip few beats. Then everything went back to normal, or, so I thought.

For the next few days, Elvis and I started hanging out. In the beginning it was just at our meeting place, down by the river, but before long it turned out to be an all day, every day thing. We became best friends. I can’t say I didn’t like it, but as soon as I wanted to go out after dinner to hang out with my new best friend, whom I secretly fell in love with, I was told no. There were many nonrealistic explanations of why I couldn’t, which did not make any sense, until one day the truth came out. “You are a girl, and we don’t want the neighbors to start talking”, my family said to me. I was very hurt that no one believed or listened to what I had to say. We were friends and I wanted to spend time with all of them. That was it, all of it. There was no hidden truth here.

So for the next month or so, I became very angry with my family for not trusting me. Every time I left home I was told to be careful and not hang out with my “boyfriends” because that would give me a reputation, and not a good one at that. I was furious. For nobody trusted my judgment or believed me. I then realized my brother, who was only eleven, had a girlfriend. I confronted my parents: “How come Dario is allowed to have a girlfriend and I can’t even spend time with my friends down by the river?”

“Aren’t they cute together”, was not the response I expected at all.

“No, they are not cute together. They are only eleven. I wasn’t even able to be alone with a boy when I was that age. What is wrong with you people? How can you have such different rules for us? It is not fair!” I complained.

Nothing I said made any difference. I could have ranted on until I was blue in face, it would have not changed anything. Sitting in my room crying for days made me become more independent and rebellious, as well. I snuck out to be with my friends. One day Amina and I told our parents we are going to the library when we actually went into the old town to meet our friends on the Old Bridge. I remember standing in the middle of the bridge feeling free. The wind was blowing through my long hair, the sweet smell of an ice cream shop, different flavors of grilled food from surrounding restaurants, even sweet fruit aromas coming from piazza made me realize it was a bitter sweet moment. This bridge witnessed everything, from a young girl, with no worries, living a care free life to this same young girl becoming a woman where everything changes. It felt good that I was smart enough to find a way to be with my friends, but I also felt betrayed and sad that I had to lie to my family to accomplish that.

Four years later I was living in Copenhagen, Denmark, as a war refugee, when I watched the Old Bridge get bombed and eventually crumble into the river. The noise of flying bombs with the blast of them exploding, once they hit the arch of the bridge, and clatter of the stones falling into the roaring river I will never forget. I sat there in front of the TV hugging my little girl and crying. There was just this numbness. I could not believe what was happening. The moment that bridge fell, many memories went through my head. Finally, my childhood was gone. At that instant I have lost part of my life, my first love, my happy place. Part of me was gone. As a nineteen-year-old mom of an eight-month-old little girl, I had lost so much that day. Thinking about my friends and wondering if they were still alive, or if they were there fighting, made the old memories of happy mischievous times overcome my body and my soul. I recalled that bitter-sweet day when I hugged my little girl a little harder as I whispered in her ear: “I will never treat you different just because you are a girl, and I promise you that I will try my best to be a good mom and to have a loving relationship with you!”

The Old Bridge was rebuilt and finally, after eighteen years, I had enough courage to go back to visit. Since the bridge is only five minutes away from the house, I went there every day. Usually, I had to go to the Internet Café so I could talk with my family who stayed in the US. After my chat with everyone I would get ice cream, a different flavor each time, and just go to the middle of the bridge to stand there and savor everything.

The actual structure of the bridge was new; kind of white and shiny and not as slippery as the old one. The wind still felt the same in my hair and all the flavors surrounding the area still smelled the same. I would close my eyes and go back in time when everything was much simpler, when I was a young girl meeting my friends there, and yes I could still see my first love’s handsome face smiling at me.

People there have not changed much. Even though I am thirty-five years old and I can take care of myself, my uncle still called every night to check up on me and make sure I was safe. I often think about my promise to my little girl. She is almost eighteen, just a bit younger than I was when I made that promise. I can honestly say that I have kept it all these years. Partly, because life in America is somewhat different than in Bosnia, but mostly because I did not want her to go through the same pain of being a girl growing up in Bosnia, not being able to do things just because she is a girl, as I did.

copyright 2011 by Sanela Kubiak. All rights reserved.

*** *** *** ***

A friend read this quote to me last night and it just "hit" me in the right way... I hope you like it.

We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it.  We write to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into labyrinth, we write to expand our world, when we feel strangled, constricted, lonely.

~ Anais Nin

...

This is a little piece we had to write for school last year.

My class was taken to the McCutchan Art Gallery at USI-Evansville for observation with a task in mind to pick a piece of art to write a paper on. At first I thought it would be a difficult task to do, but as I walked through the gallery the beauty of art and my classmates made it a unique and enjoyable experience. Most of the paintings were abstract naked women, which in itself was pretty and very colorful.
I was more or less briefly looking at the pictures across the rooms to see if something would catch my eye. And it did. I saw this little picture, maybe 5”x7” in size. My original attraction to this piece was the beautiful colors of the sunset. I went closer to see the details, and I was pleasantly surprised. It truly spoke to me. It reminded me of the place where I walk daily; My special place, The River Paradise.
An interesting thing about this piece is I could completely visualize myself right there standing in the middle of this two way road. Tall naked trees on both sides, branches touching in the middle above the road, making it look like a tree tunnel. I was looking at a sunset through those trees. Intense red, orange, yellow and blue sky took my breath away. There is a car in the distance with its break lights on, tall grass on the left side of the road and a field on the right side. I could even imagine the river behind the grass.
“As soon as I saw this picture I thought of you”, I was brought back to reality by my classmates voice. I looked at her with a confused look on my face.
“It reminds me of the story you wrote about River Paradise. That is the first thing that came in my mind when I saw it”.
I knew exactly what she was talking about, because that is the very same thing I thought about. Her comment made me feel really good and all fuzzy inside. My original story and this picture of U.S 41 in Indiana were the connection between the two different places, both in Indiana, and among the two people who see beauty in this world the same way.

copyright 2011 by Sanela Kubiak. All rights reserved.

The Unfinished Tale

She looks outside her window into the dark and rainy night, and she sobs quietly. The night reminds her of that first night when she went to meet him. She is crazy in love with him, she is aware of the fact that she cannot be with him at this time, but she still really misses him…

She was waiting for his call that night; she went out for a long drive just to take her mind off of him, but distractions never work for her. He was there the whole time, playing inside her mind, making her think about “what if’s”, making her wish for things she didn’t know she wanted… Finally, 11pm came and the sound of her ringtone broke the silence in the car. She looked up at her phone and saw his name flash across the shiny surface of the screen. Adam. She held her breath for few seconds knowing she should answer her phone before it went into her voicemail. With butterflies in her stomach she reached for the phone, excited and nervous, “Hello”, she answered.
Deep, soothing, gentle, yet very sexy voice came in, “Hi Sannia, I just got off of work. Do you still wanna do something tonight?”
“Yes, I'd love to”.
“What do you want to do? You wanna go out and grab something to eat, or get a drink, or do you want to come over to my place and just hang out?”
“Oh, I don't care, I'm easy”, Sannia said.
The moment she said it, she realized what she said. How embarrassing. For once she was so happy and glad nobody was there to see her blush.
“I mean, I'm not easy, I...”
Adam laughed and said: “I know what you meant.... I didn’t think you were easy… You wanna come and meet me here and then we can decide what to do?”
Without any hesitation she said: “um, ok, I can meet you there”.
“Give me 15 min to take a shower”, Adam replied with a smile in his voice.

After he gave her his address, she drove a little longer, just not too look like she was impatient to see him again, she went to his place. She got out of the elevator and right across the hall was apartment 305. She got nervous and shy and went toward the door. She hardly touched the doorbell, and he was right there opening it. Adam charmed her with a huge smile on his face, like he always does. She was so happy; it’s been over two years that someone was glad to see her. She walked in, took her shoes off by the door and he was eager to show her everything. She saw the aquarium on the counter with two beautiful fish in it. She has never seen this kind before, so she questioned him. Once again he flashed his beautiful smile....
”They’re Japanese Koi fish”. “This is ... and this is his girl...”
She completely lost the names of the fish, preoccupied with her own thoughts, but she loved them anyway...

“You wanna see my place?” Adam asked.
“Sure”, she smiled shyly.
“Well, this is my living room”, he said facing the room.
There was a white cream couch full of pillows on the opposite wall from where she was standing... she saw his laptop on the table next to it, TV and stereo across the room...
“I ordered this big black and white painting, it will go above the couch”, his voice penetrated her thoughts. “I want it above the couch, you think it would look good there?” he asked.
“Yes, I'm sure it will be great”.
He moved to the side and she followed. “This is my bedroom”.
She froze in the doorway, she couldn’t breathe. It was the bedroom from her dreams... the bed with all white bedding....white curtains gently moving in the spring breeze. He was standing in the middle of the room and talking....just like the man she kept seeing her dreams. “Are you ok?” Adam said walking toward her.
“Yes”, she said quietly, looking at the floor.
He moved again to the next room, “This is the bathroom” he said smiling.
She looked around, it was spotless, and everything was neatly placed on the sink. She saw him take the hair spray to fix his hair. He smiled again while saying: “Sorry, I didn't have time to finish when you showed up”.
She smiled back shyly...he got excited… “Sannia, wanna see the best part of this place?”
“Sure”, she looked at him with little butterflies fluttering in her stomach. He took her hand and walked her to the balcony. His apartment was looking over the pool. They stood on the balcony in the moonlight... The sky was full of shimmering stars. He talked; she listened, mesmerized with his voice. While looking at the pool, she imagined herself there... with him… She smiled to herself…
He touched her shoulder bringing her back to reality... and she was so glad it was dark; he couldn’t see her blushing over the fantasy she was just enjoying. They went inside and he offered her to sit on the couch. They started talking, and shortly after he offered her a drink.

“Just ice water please”, Sannia responded. He got up and walked inches away from her, almost ran to the kitchen... She followed him with her eyes... Oh my gosh, those jeans look great on him, and that butt... He has a bubble butt, she thought, blushing... Just like the man from her dreams… OH, she got embarrassed when she realized he caught her looking at him, her face reddened even more, but this time it was so big... she felt so hot inside... Adam came back and took a seat next to her, didn’t say a word... He gave her the water. While she couldn’t look at his eyes, she still reached for her glass....their hands touched... There was this incredible shock that went through her body... He pulled back and sat on the opposite side of the couch...

They started talking again...first it was sort of weird, like everything they said had a double meaning. She was careful with her words, despite the fact that her mind was playing tricks on her. She couldn’t get the images of him and her together out of her head. Slowly, they got so comfortable being together, they kept talking about everything and anything. At one point he said he was surprised how tremendously they got along. About four hours later, they felt like they have known each other all their lives...

She got tired and by the look on his face he was getting more tired by a minute. Strangely, neither of them really wanted to separate. There was something so calming and comfortable between them. He mentioned he was about to crash and it was definitely time for her to go home. She got up to leave and he followed her. There was some strange tension in the room at that moment. She put her shoes on and turned around to say good bye. Oh, she sighs loudly... Adam was right there behind her, his face is only inches away, and the look on his face, mischievous smile… there is something there... she doesn't understand it. Quickly she looked down, and with yet another beautiful smile on his face he said: “I'll walk you out”.

“OK”, she nodded. He walked her all the way outside and they started talking some more. She knew she should be leaving... It's 1:30 am. He reached out to her and gave her a hug... She hugged him back. They stood there and they talked some more. All of a sudden she realized they were still holding each other, he had his arms around her shoulders, the warmth of his hands was soothing, yet exciting to her. She was still holding unto his shirt around his waist. And they kept talking…
He didn’t want to let her go, and by now it was really raining outside. The sound of rain drumming on the cars and the trees was very soothing.... She felt like she belonged in his arms and she really didn’t want to go; but she must...They stood there in the timeless moment, talking… and for the first time she really saw his eyes, beautiful hazel eyes were smiling at her. She rose on her tippy toes and gave him a quick kiss on the lips, and as she was ready to turn around to leave he grabbed her little harder, took her face in his hands and gave her an amazing kiss... She lost control over her body and kissed him back. She was completely aware of all her surroundings; the sound of the rain, the wet spring air she could smell, the aroma of his cologne… His touch was reaching deep inside her soul. His kiss was so sweet, so gentle, so passionate... She could feel his heartbeat; she could almost hear her heart pounding in her chest... “How could this be? What is this feeling?” she asked herself in her mind. They finally separated from their kiss, so they could catch their breath. While he was still holding her, he whispered in her ear: “You need to go home... and… I need to see you again. Please, promise you will come back....”
“Yes”, she said softly...”I will be back”...
He hugged her one more time and held her just a little bit longer. Then he let her go. One last loving kiss he shared with her...
“Please be careful driving home, it's wet... Call me as soon as you get home...ok?”
She grinned... “Yes dad... I will call you when I get home”... He chuckled.
As she walked away she felt his gaze upon her body and she turned around. He was smiling and not at all hiding his attraction for her.
“Sannia”, he called out to her.
“Yes?”
“You do have a very nice butt btw”, he said grinning.
She smiled back bashfully, got in her car and started driving...

She couldn’t exactly figure out what just happened... Her lips were burning from his kiss, her whole body was awoken. This was something she has never experienced before, she was afraid. No, she was terrified… But she was so willing. This time was different, she was ready to give LOVE one more chance...

copyright 2011 by Sanela Kubiak. All rights reserved.

At Last

This is what comes out of my mind on a lonely, late night...REVISED Nov 15th 2012. This is for all my "50 Shades" friends. :)   

She spent hours on the plane anxiously waiting to see him... So much time in the last six months was spent talking to him online, on the phone, throughout various means of communication and she has finally agreed with him to meet. But this time it would be different, in person... Just the mere thought of seeing him in front of her sends butterflies to her belly. Will he kiss her when he sees her? Would his hug be as gentle and strong as she has imagined? Would he actually like her? The thoughts of him made her blush. The pilot’s voice comes through the speakers, pulling her out of the dreamland, announcing the arrival time should be in ten minutes. “Please, fasten your seat belts and remain seated until the plane has landed and we come to a complete stop”. She smiles nervously and spends the next few minutes daydreaming. Again.

The noise from other passengers on a flight LR612 brings her back to reality once again. She gathers her bags and anxiously starts walking out with the rest of the travelers.

As she comes out of the hallway that connects the plane and the terminal she searches for him. As soon as she sees him waiting, he looks up, their eyes meet and there is instant attraction between them. He smiles... The huge stir of excitement and mysterious flows through her body and she runs to him. He opens his arms and takes her in. Yes, his hug is everything she has imagined, she smiles looking up at him... He cannot control his urge any longer, he has waited way too long for her touch, and for her kiss...  bending down he kisses her... The time stops, she gets week in her knees, but his strong arms hold her tight. He lifts her off the floor kissing her until they both lose their breath... Suddenly he stops, holds her beautiful face in his hands and says: “I'm never gonna let you go”.

Tiny whisper from his lips reaches her ear: “I have been waiting so long for you to come into my life and now that you're here it feels so unreal. You are so much more than I hoped for. I want you baby... I can't wait any longer; you have been everything on my mind for months...”

She smiles and says quietly: “Yes.... take me home”.

After finally settling into the cab, on their way to his home, they retreat into each other’s arms, just quietly talking and not trying to think of what will happen next. With arrival to his little apartment; he takes her bags and lets her in. She looks around... Apartment’s stark white walls are staring at her as to say you're here, you're finally here… She can feel his presence when he comes in after her. Approaching her from behind, he hugs her again, almost scared that she will vanish; his kisses caress herbeautiful neck gently... The kiss sends goose bumps down her back as she turns around to meet his lips. Yes, those luscious lips she imagined kissing so many lonely nights... With yet another soft kiss he whispers hoarsely: “Don't ever leave”.

There is no pretending any more, she needs him. The hunger for him prevails over everything else at the moment. There is no more inhibition, she starts kissing him...slowly at first...but the temperature rises slowly all around them. They become more aware of their surrounding... Every little moan becomes tenser.... she wants him; she doesn't want to wait any longer... She proceeds by taking his shirt off and tossing it on the floor. Taken aback by his lean, athletic, sexy body she quivers. Every little muscle on his chest and abdomen tensing as he moves toward her sends arousal to her body. His strong muscular arms are so hot, she thinks to herself. His body gets closer to her, its warm... so sexy... Her breath speeds up considerably. Gently he lifts her up, kisses her soft lips and caries her away to his room. Kissing her lips affectionately makes her desire him even more.  Tenderly he lays her down on his bed unbuttoning her red silky shirt, reveals her red bra... His tongue slithers down to her chest, and she moans... Without thinking and with every bit of their body consumed by craving they undress each other and their bodies tangle into one. Their kisses and their touch become zestier; they are two entities, burning with desire...

Their lips unite once more giving each other their only breath. Look in his eyes pleads with her desperately. Nodding her head slightly gives him reassurance that she wants him just the same. Meager smile on those delicious lips send trembles down her body making her wet. It’s almost like he can smell her wetness his fingers find their way there down to her sex. His hand cups her sex with fingers gently stroking her wetness. The warmth of her sacred juice makes his head hazy. She squirms and soft moans escape her sweet lips bringing his attention back to her beautiful succulent mouth.

“You are so beautiful”, words flow inaudibly from his lips.  Those stunning, almond shaped, brown eyes that she loves so much darken with passion. Holding her close, his lips caress hers, moving to her neck, than down to her gorgeous breast leaving wet trail on her skin where his tongue touched. His teeth gently nibble her hard aroused nipples making her whole body quiver. Slowly following her curves with his hands and mouth he reaches her moist aroused sex. Grasping her bottom with his hands while skilled tongue strokes, kisses and licks her sacred lips sends her body and mind into deep animal primal instinct overrun with sensations she has never felt before. Cry from her lips leads him into that same primal drive for survival. Leisurely he moves up her body taking in every little curve, dimple, imperfection, making her so perfect and beyond beautiful in his mind. With his lips on hers, tongues entangled their bodies unite... “Ohh”, both groan with inevitable hunger for each other. She feels his hard erect manhood inside her; with all her senses on overload, she moans more deeply, while he embraces her in his arms. He holds her close, kisses her lips, her neck, her breast. She grabs him tighter and she kisses him back; stirring under him, their bodies become one. They modify their moves to the same rhythm... it’s incredible, magnificent, like neither of them have felt before. They move passionately to the sound of music only two of them can hear, their bodies hold each other, intertwined. He moves like a gracious cat thrusting deep inside her and she follows his lead. United moans escort them to the next level, there is no going back. All there is right now is them... experiencing... loving... bonding. They belong to a brand new universe where there is only passion and ecstasy. His pushing in and out quickly makes her body shake and ready to explode. Leaving her lips for a moment he whispers: “Give yourself to me, let go”. And with that one cue she releases her thirst for him sending him into convulsion. With one last deep thrust, his body tenses and he explodes inside her merging their sacred juices. Gently he collapses on top of her holding her tight.

Next, he slides gently out of her crafting one last moan escape her lips and they lay next to each other still holding cozily. His gentle caressing of her skin makes her snuggle closer to him. Inhaling the sweet cherry blossom scent from her hair he huskily whispers: “I love you babe”, and they drift slowly into peaceful nights slumber.  

copyright 2010 by Sanela Kubiak. All rights reserved.